Many parents, like myself, have used every last drop of willpower to manouevre ourselves and the kids through the final few weeks of school, work and sport.
The promise of a relaxing break on the horizon kept us running like little mice in the almost-at-the-end-of-year wheel. We are now at the precipice – just Christmas (and in my case three birthdays) to get through, then we get a break. But do we really get a break? There might be a change in routine, but there isn’t really a break in most cases. While I plan to have a break from the intense logistics that occupy a disproportionate chunk of my life, I am all too aware that this mini break is just a little reprieve. At this point of the year our whole family looks forward to more flexible sleeping times and looser routines, more time together and time alone. I feel like the trick is to indulge in brief respite to build stamina and to be able to bring our best strategic efforts and most empathetic selves to the role, particularly when parenting teens.
Some may be fooled (by their kids) into thinking that the bulk of the parenting work is done once the kids hit their early teens. It is tempting to step back and tell ourselves that the kids are big enough and cruise along with minimal parenting until something goes wrong. Instead of being lulled into complacency, we parents of teens need to be developing new parenting skills; finding new ways to communicate (that show love and care but not eagerness) and redefining relationships. This all happens at a time when the kids typically start showing a distinct lack of interest in almost everything, indicating that they don’t really need us, and would prefer we step further back. But parenting is a forever job, and while the physicality of the work might reduce a bit as they get older, kids need us across their whole childhood and into adulthood, even when they don’t realise it. How they need us just looks different. Amongst the many things they need us for is navigating friendships and relationships, learning how to feel good about themselves, and how to find joy and happiness in a complex world that is brimming with challenges.
They also need us to instigate opportunities for light-hearted silliness, relaxation and laughter over the holidays. For those of us who spend the year managing and safeguarding every aspect of our children’s lives (which is inherently unhealthy), now is the perfect time to switch focus from guiding and teaching, to enjoying each other’s company or even just being in close proximity and enjoying solitude.
Although the kids may be taller than us, they are still in their childhood, and they are entitled to a happy, healthy childhood, all the way through. Many kids have spent the year trying to be what they think others want them to be – parents, the school, the coach, the employer, and their peers (in real life and online). It’s exhausting. The summer break is a good time to let them be who they are at home. This should not be confused with not having expectations around household contributions or how we treat each other, but to feel comfortable and valued for who they are as a person, and have their views and thoughts respected.
There is still a lot of joy to be had in the later years of childhood – especially during the festive season. Even when things stop being magical, they can continue to be special. This allows for responsibilities for the magic to shift around the family. It is also the perfect time to make positive memories. The temptation can be to hold out for big grand adventures with our teens, but the holidays offer opportunity for small scale joyful experiences.
We are still making memories with our kids, no matter how big they are. And when we look back on favourite memories from years gone by, it’s easy to see that it wasn’t the gifts, the destinations, the clothes or even the food. The kids don’t particularly care for themes or colour schemes. It’s the chaotic fun of being with friends and family, doing things together with all ages and generations that get the votes of fondest holiday memories.
If times are feeling tough this year, the kids likely already have a sense of it, and what they will be wanting to feel is that the joy and magic is still there. And it can be. Festive magic and joy come in all shapes and sizes, and it doesn’t really come in the form of outlandish gifts and overconsumption. It usually comes in good company and little joyful experiences. If you’re not sure what those experiences might be for your family this festive season, ask the kids their favourite holiday memories. As Rick Morton recently reminded me, “There is still beauty in the world for those who have eyes for it”, and kids certainly have the eyes for it. The older ones just need some help focusing sometimes.