Slow Summers, Stronger Connections

There is an assumption that this is the time of year where we all get our quota of rest, relaxation and social connection to sustain us for the year ahead.

The Christmas break usually provides this time for me, and I have noticed over the past few summers that when I feel rested and relaxed, it radiates through my family. We are more likely to spend time together doing things that we don’t do during the busy school year.

But the first step is to get to that relaxed state and I feel like it’s harder for me than it should be. I know that I am not alone in my struggle.

The Lost Art of Relaxing

Recently, I was chatting with a friend about how uncomfortable the first few days of leave can be. Not because of the kids, or the Christmas rush, or family commitments, but because we don’t know how to relax. We engage in what I describe as aggressive relaxing at first. It’s faux relaxation. It’s shifting focus from work and kids to cleaning, or sorting, or shopping. But not for the joy of it. 

For most of the year, doing and achieving is prioritised, so when it comes time to slow down and switch off, it can be hard. I keep thinking about the idea that leisure time is an act of radical feminism. I think it might be an act of middle-class white feminism, but none-the-less, I am wondering if I’m not as radical as I’d like to be when it comes to rest. 

We adults need to slow down to help our kids do the same. 

Slowing Down is a Skill

We know kids are living in a world where their time is constantly filled, either by scheduled activities or screen time. Doing slow things can be really frustrating for them (and us). Sitting through conversations with extended family when you can feel a phone in your pocket is challenging, road trips are boring, books can feel too much work to get in to, and even watching a movie with family can be hard when you are used to personalised and private content consumption. Places and moments like these are where kids learn to connect, practise social skills and build deeper relationships and they need to experience them again and again to grow into balanced, healthy people.

For lots of kids, especially teens, it can be hard to know how to slow down and relax. Most will associate relaxing with scrolling (as do many adults), but this is not relaxation. It’s hyperstimulation and distraction, and the more stressed or isolated they feel, the more they want to scroll. The social media ban has not and cannot address this. It is us parents who need to help them.  

Just as we shepherd kids into busy school, study, sport, and work schedules, we also need to help them develop the skills and have the environment to relax, breathe, and have time connecting with family and friends in a slow and meaningful way. We need to provide the time to go deep with conversations, with thoughts and with attention to things not on a device.

Disconnect to Reconnect

The summer holidays are the perfect time to do this, with long days to fill. We adults will have to suffer through the complaints, but it’s important that we do, and we do it repeatedly. 

Teens are likely to feel uncomfortable with being disconnected from “everyone” on their phones, but they can and should be disconnected for periods of time so that they can connect with us; their parents, carers, cousins, siblings, grandparents, and family friends. While I don’t profess to having mastered this aspect of parenting, I use a couple of tried and tested approaches that usually help. 

When we do something that is slow and boring, I try to include something that the kids value. Morning beach walks and swims end with hot chocolate; bush walks end with a slushy or ice-cream, they pick the destination and length of our bike rides, grocery shopping with me ensures some treats of their choosing, and a trip to Bunnings will result in a sausage. 

The activity doesn’t have to cost anything, and the “reward” is not expensive but is a worthwhile investment for the time we are getting together. It usually ends with me thanking them for joining me. I want them to know that I appreciate their time and enjoy their company. While there is a lot of banter, a few complaints, and lots of mocking me, I am confident that putting the time in with them now, doing the slow things together, is investing in them, in our relationship, and in their personal development.

We need to be thick-skinned and courageous to withstand the teen jibes and complaints, but I encourage everyone to lean into the slow and boring with their families in these precious few weeks before the school year starts again.